Boundaries for Self-Care

¶1A woman named Bella recently sent me a message on social media: "I take a walk by myself every morning, for my own mental health. Lately, my elderly neighbour has been inviting herself along, waiting for me to come outside, then joining me. She's very nice, and it's clear she likes the company, but this is the only alone time I get in my day. How can I say 'no' to her without feeling mean?"

¶2I understand what Bella means. We (especially women) are often told that it's selfish to put our own feelings and needs first. This is a common objection to boundaries — your limits, what's OK and what's not. Setting limits feels like building a wall between people and creating division. But remember, boundaries aren't walls, they're fences. And good fences make for good neighbours.

¶3Boundaries allow those who care about us to support us in the way we want to be supported. They provide a clear line between what we find helpful and harmful, so people don't have to try to read our minds. They let us engage in relationships fully and openly, knowing we've clearly expressed our limits, and make it easier for others to respect our needs. In fact, the best way to preserve a relationship often includes setting boundaries within it.

¶4Bella liked her neighbour and wanted to have a good relationship with her. If this neighbour kept crashing her morning walks, Bella was going to become resentful, then angry, and perhaps even lash out one morning out of sheer frustration. Setting a boundary here would be an act of kindness, allowing Bella to care for her neighbour without putting her own needs on hold to do so.

¶5You're not being mean when you set boundaries, you're being kind — to yourself and your relationships. But that doesn't mean they're not uncomfortable. Any conflict can be uncomfortable — if your burger comes out rare instead of medium-well, I'm betting at least some of you would just eat it, rather than speak up. Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable, because when we set a boundary, we're expressing a limit that hasn't yet been established (while perhaps pointing out someone else's inconsiderate behaviour), and asking if the other person is willing to make an adjustment for the good of the relationship.

¶6My research shows that the main reason people don't set boundaries where they need them is that it's so uncomfortable. I won't try to pretend otherwise — I feel it, too. It's not always easy for me to say "no" to a highly-respected work colleague, to ask my husband for alone time, or to tell my parents, "I won't discuss this with you further." Speaking up in the moment, advocating for yourself, and asking for what you need is uncomfortable. Nevertheless, what's both uncomfortable and damaging is telling the story again that someone else's feelings are more important or worthy than your own — which is what you do every time you swallow your healthy boundary in an effort to keep the peace.

¶7The truth is, when someone oversteps your limit, there is no comfortable solution. However, one path is paved with short-term discomfort that leads to major long-term improvements in your health and happiness — and the other path is just an endless circle that leaves you feeling unworthy, anxious, angry, and resentful.

¶8One of those hurts much more. And for those of you stuck on this path, I have to ask — how's that been working out for you, really? How has it felt to honour everyone's needs but your own? I bet the reason you're reading this article is that it's not going very well at all. What boundaries give you is a better way — the one that leads to more fulfilling relationships, improved self-confidence, better health, and more time and energy for the things that are important to you.